THE ART OF MAKING FAKE NAMES:
There comes a time in all our lives when we must, hide our true identities and adopt a false name for the sake of our safety. However, it is tempting to one trying to disguise themselves with this gesture so manipulative and gravid with suspense and expectation, that they subconsciously try to insert a piece of their true identity--their humor, their hopes, their pernicious desire to mock the person they are trying to trick--into their false identity.
Thus, I have compiled this manual of brief, easy to learn instructions to help prevent the best of us from falling into such a trap as being caught in the act.
1.) Never use the names of famous people, or even an amalgamation of names of famous people. Don't try things like: Sally Ride, Elton John, Michael Jackson or even Elton Rider, Jordan Michaels
2.) Avoid using common aliases such as Jane Doe, John Smith or even Mary Marion (Alliteration and theme repetition are additionally highly discouraged). Even if your subject is not the brightest they will be able to see through these.
3.) Attempt mellifluity of syntax and pleasant harmony of rhythm. Don't choose to call yourself a clashing title such as Ermentrude Abelgardoily, Jonas Rosserman or Geneviva Lothertobubu. These are just ridiculous.
4.) We recommend one choose a name whose pattern is similar to but not identical to a believable surname. For example, a name like Archerson might be believable because it brings to mind names like Pearson, Nicholson, etc. Or, as it is common for Polish names in my family to end in -owski I might declare myself to be Regina Pintowski with some success.
5.) Do not intentionally use other languages or cultures in an attempt to sound convincing. you will probably end up offending someone. For example: Taco Loco or Juma Pili would not be acceptable in most cultures (these mean crazy taco and Sunday in Spanish and Swahili respectively).
6.) It is also inadvisable to declare yourself to be the name of a close friend or relative in a panic because you may accidentally reveal yourself or put them in danger. If the one you are trying to convince you aren't you becomes your captor (this is possible), they may gain a clue from your personal affects that leads them to your family and the subsequent discovery that Lisa Ferguson is actually the name of your Aunt! Such a discovery would mean not only that your cover is blown but also that your aunt shall now be called upon to pay your ransom (wish does get you free, I guess).
7.) Anagrams or codes are highly discouraged. You may think your clever but psychoanalysts and worse supercomputers do exist today and may somehow find a deeper secret interred in your subconscious from your ill-fated attempt at secrecy.
8.) It is often witnessed in the more well read of liars or the more historically inclined of manipulators that our names outdate themselves. Depending on the context in which you live it may be unwise to declare yourself a Ms. Betty Wanamaker, a Trudy McPherson or, God Forbid, give yourself a title like Sir Edgar Von Morplegott Earl of Bingen (this is what i meant when I was talking about our hopes and imaginations getting in the way of our being convincing...false identities are not meant to be fun. They are meant to be believed).
9.) Avoid inserting inanimate objects into names. Often, we panic when we realize we must give the person demanding our identity a false name just as they have discovered us (for if we are doing something we don't want to claim credit for, possibly illegal, we likely weren't planning on being caught). Thus, I have seen it done in my studies of name-generation that people cast around there eyes searching for some object to inspire their frightened mind. The fruits of this practice include poor pseudonyms like Isaiah Birdwell, Gemima Puddleduck (see famous people/literary characters above), or Bookshelf McGloverhousen.
10.) It is also advisable not to adopt crude names like Hugh Janus or Seymour Butts. Not only are these offensive but memorable and it is more beneficial to adopt a name forgettable to all but yourself.
NOTE: It is recommended that the reader subscribe to the practice of memorizing a list of well-crafted names which follow these rules should the need ever arise. To help, one may take note of the successful nom de plumes we are all familiar with including Mark Twain and George Eliot.
In conclusion, here is an exercise. Ask yourself, am I convinced by any of these names? Could they be real people indeed?
Applehead Smellysot
Granny May Stewart
Lou Michelle Colton
Henry Morrisgill
Edgar Otterhouse
Samuel Reborowitz
Lawrence Grimwell
Percy Saunterbourn
Emily Hailfax
Muriel Bradberry
Elisa Nuress
Daniel Lankowski
Ian Ujimo
Cow Manour
